Marriages all experience ups and downs, but among the low points, an affair is one of the most common. Around 20% of men and women admit that infidelity has occurred at least once in their current relationship. Once the event happens, most individuals are unsure whether to discuss or hide it because it would harm the other person. Many people will even avoid discussing it in couples therapy because they fear the negative repercussions that could occur.
However, it is important to communicate honestly during therapy to grow together. Disclosing an affair in treatment is a complex issue. However, a therapist can provide guidance for encouraging honesty and rebuilding trust.
Should You Discuss an Affair During Couples Therapy?
The short answer is yes; an individual should be honest about having an affair during therapy, either with their partner or in individual sessions. Avoiding the event makes treatment of other relationship challenges more difficult. Knowing how much to share and in what manner is a roadblock for many, which is what a therapist can help with.
Couples therapists can guide the conversation so that appropriate information comes out at the right times. They can also moderate between the two people, managing emotions so that the therapy office remains a safe space for the individuals to understand what happened without closing themselves off in anger or fear.
The Best Approaches for Discussion
Therapists may take numerous approaches to helping partners with affairs. These can include:
Timing
A therapist can guide the person who committed the affair on the general timetable in which the details should be shared. For instance, it may be best to begin with “I had an affair with [person]” and then address the emotional and relational fallout of that information before sharing more details (e.g., when, how often, the behaviors involved).
Moderation
Those who have just learned that their partner was unfaithful are not often thinking clearly. They may be experiencing intense feelings of betrayal, anger, and sadness, which make helpful communication difficult. Similarly, the person who committed the affair may become highly defensive or quiet. A therapist can provide a space where these emotions are seen and validated without allowing them to overcome the discussion or interfere with each person’s growth. Thus, participants can communicate honestly and rebuild their trust over time.
Coping
Infidelity can change how a person approaches both their relationship(s) and themselves. Some may experience an increase in feelings of insufficiency or self-esteem (e.g., “Was I not good enough for my partner?”), while others can close themselves off to further intimacy, damaging their relationships further (e.g., “I will not let anyone do this to me again”). Therapists can educate each partner about coping mechanisms to overcome the often intense emotional fallout after an affair. This may include new means of communication, accountability strategies, and more.
Can Couples Recover After an Affair?
An affair may seem like one of the most devastating events in a relationship, but it does not necessarily spell doom for the couple. While it takes time and concerted effort to rebuild trust and develop new, healthier methods of communication, it is possible. Studies show that infidelity is one of the most common factors cited as the impetus for divorce; among relationships that are dissolving due to an affair, about 80% are made of at least one partner for whom the affair was the catalyst of the separation.
This might seem like a big number (and it is), but reframe it and consider that about 20% of couples go on to improve their relationships and remain together, having healed the wounds of infidelity.
Studies indicate that when partners share their affair and approach it in couples therapy, they achieve better outcomes than partners who did not attempt therapy. They are more satisfied in their relationships, which contributes to recovery after infidelity and a lasting relationship following the event.
Thus, couples can recover after an affair. Still, their best chance to do so is by attending couples therapy together and actively putting effort into recovering their relationship. A therapist can help the couple determine what factors contributed to the affair and how to amend those for more relational satisfaction and security.
Heal From Infidelity With Couples Therapy
Any couple that is dealing with the news of an affair will be in an emotionally precarious position. However, it is possible to recover from an affair and go on to enjoy a happy and fulfilling relationship. The best way to achieve this is to commit to couples therapy and actively rebuild trust and communication. Contact Village Counseling today to schedule a couples therapy appointment!