Relationships are hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something. Whether you’re a married cisgender opposite-sex couple, a life-partnered mixed-gender poly group, or anything in between, maintaining a strong relationship takes work, honesty, love, and commitment. When things get tough, sometimes it’s easy to fall back on bad habits, allow miscommunication, and generally remove the grace we give our partners in better times. In these cases, it might be time for relationship counseling (aka marriage counseling, family therapy, & couples therapy).
So, how do you know if it’s time to seek help?
1. Rehashing the Same Arguments
The longer the relationship, the longer you’ve had to experience problems. Some, like leaving clothing on the floor or eating the last taquito, are simple and daily issues that don’t usually result in a blow-up fight. Unless there’s something deeper going on, that is. Constantly going back to past hurts – insults, missed dates, times when one partner has been inconsiderate, etc. – is a clear sign that things are festering and being left unresolved. If something still hurts enough to bring up months or years after it was (supposedly) “dealt with” then it wasn’t really resolved at all. When this is the norm, it’s time to look for outside help.
2. Looking or Going Outside the Relationship
To be clear, we’re not talking about having friendships or platonic relationships outside a monogamous relationship or having romantic relationships outside a polyamorous/open relationship. Looking or going outside the relationship is when you seek emotional, physical, or sexual support/attention from someone other than your partner(s) without their consent.
Relationships are built on rules and agreements. What’s healthy for one might be a deal breaker for another. What matters is you are maintaining the sanctity of the relationship as discussed with your partner(s). Being unable or unwilling to talk to them about your needs and then looking for those needs elsewhere indicates a need for counseling.
3. Going Through Major Life Changes
Just like relationships, life is also hard. When you combine the hard parts of life with the hard parts of a relationship, they have a way of compounding and multiplying both sides into something many people struggle with. Some examples of life changes that can impact a relationship are relocating, losing a job, gaining a job, having children, natural disasters, death, divorce, marriage, parenting…
The list really does go on. Any change that feels really stressful, or causes upheaval, is potentially a major life change that can impact a relationship. It is critically important to batten down the hatches and has the strongest relationship you can when one of these comes along. If you can’t, then counseling is a good way to true up the edges.
4. Fighting or Bickering Frequently
Good-natured bickering isn’t an issue when it’s part of the healthy dynamic of the relationship. This might look like teasing, inside jokes, or even play-fights where the emotions expressed are playful rather than hurtful. Not every relationship thrives on that kind of interaction and sometimes even those that do won’t respond well to them all the time. Knowing the difference between playing and not playing is a big part of maintaining healthy boundaries with a partner.
What happens when those boundaries fly out the window and things turn heated at the drop of a hat? In those cases, the fighting and bickering have passed into an unhealthy space and it needs to be addressed. This can be difficult because it often involves one or more partner(s) becoming vulnerable in front of the other(s), which is especially difficult when you’ve been fighting so much! Counseling can facilitate healthy vulnerability, improve communication, and show you how to “fight fair” when there is a disagreement.
5. Unresolved Disagreements About Sex and/or Money
The two most common causes of divorce in the United States are sex and money. When it comes to sex, specifically the lack of intimacy between partners and instances of adultery are the most cited reasons for divorce. When it comes to money, it can run the gamut from equitable distribution of financial responsibilities to how you spend leisure money to the accrual of gambling debts. What they have in common is simple: fairness and responsibility.
Unfairness in sex means one or both partners don’t get the level and/or type of physical, emotional, and/or sexual attention they need. Frequency, novelty, non-sexual intimacy, and after-care all fall into this category. Taking responsibility means communicating with your partner(s) about your needs and listening when they communicate about their needs.
Unfairness in money means someone feels like the financial split isn’t being done in an equitable manner. Maybe one partner has a significantly higher salary and the lower-paid partner doesn’t feel like a 50/50 split makes sense. Or, maybe one partner is managing all the money and doesn’t like that burden. Taking responsibility with money means managing your own part of the finances, understanding expectations, and responding to your partner(s) feedback.
Counseling can help you figure out how to communicate about these issues and compromise effectively.
6. General Unhappiness with the Relationship
Finally, if thinking about or participating in the relationship just makes you unhappy, counseling might be helpful. It could be any combination of the things we’ve talked about, or something completely different. What matters is you’re not finding joy, companionship, and other needs fulfilled by the relationship as it is. In almost all cases, communicating with your partner(s) and engaging in self-reflection will help pinpoint the problem and work towards a solution.
If these sound all-too-familiar, it’s time to reach out for an assist.
Make an appointment today with one of our licensed, skilled, and professional therapists at Village Counseling.
Don’t wait until it gets too bad to handle; we can help!