A healthy relationship can be a wonderful thing to have. You make decisions together, taking everyone’s needs into account. You spend time together, having fun or finding peace in one another’s company. You solve problems together, finding a common cause instead of placing blame.
A toxic relationship is, basically, the exact opposite! Blame is the norm. Needs go unmet. Yelling and fighting are the baseline conversation starter. In general, toxicity looks like one person being used and another person doing the using. This balance can shift if both partners are acting toxic toward one another, which makes the whole thing worse!
So, let’s talk about…
1. THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO KEEP SCORE…AND WIN.
This can be small or big, good or bad things that happen in life. Whenever you do something they don’t like, it goes into a mental register of your “mistakes” that they bring up later. In contrast, doing things “right” only seems to reinforce their belief that you can, and should, always be doing what they like or want. Said another way, this is a sense of entitlement.
But don’t let them catch you doing the same thing, or else you’re going to have a problem! Any mistake they make is always made up for by that-one-thing-they-did-that-one-time and why are you so judgmental?!
2. PASSIVE-AGGRESSION IS A WAY OF LIFE.
Being passive is about letting someone else take the lead, but being aggressive is much more confrontational. When you combine the two, you get behavior that seems innocuous or neutral, but is really meant to undermine another person. Some of the classic examples of passive-aggressive behavior are:
- Back-handed Compliments (“thanks for getting the mail. I was surprised.”)
- Indirect Refusal (“yeah, I’ll take out the trash” but never does)
- Sarcastic Replies to Requests (“yeah, sure, I can go totally out of my way to get you something from the store!”)
- The Silent Treatment (“…”)
- Withholding Important Information (“it doesn’t matter that I changed it, you should have checked on the appointment time yourself instead of making me chase you around!”)
3. YOU’RE CONSTANTLY BEING BLAMED FOR THEIR PROBLEMS.
Everything is your fault, even the things you’re not involved in or have no control over. This is especially true when it upsets the toxic person. If they forgot to do something around the house, suddenly it’s your problem for not reminding them. If you point out a mistake, even kindly and with good intentions, they feel bad because you’re being too critical.
Fundamentally, this is a lack of taking responsibility for their emotions, mistakes, lives, etc. and using others as a scapegoat. Chances are they do this at work or school as much as at home. You could also call this a constant “Martyr Syndrome” where everyone is always working against them, even though they don’t deserve it.
4. THEY’RE JEALOUS OF EVERYONE AROUND YOU.
Quick Fact: it’s fine to want to spend time with the person you love. It’s not healthy to get jealous and envious just because you’re not their whole world. Jealousy is not healthy!
The most obvious example is being jealous of potential relationship rivals. For example, someone in a toxic heterosexual relationship might get angry when their partner even talks to a member of the opposite sex. This could extend to having friends or coworkers of your gender of attraction, or even seeing one in public and “looking way too long at them!”
A more extreme version might have your toxic partner getting jealous whenever you do anything without them, especially socially. They might give you ultimatums to pick them or a friend group, them or a hobby, them or a family member…you get the idea. Anyone or anything that has your attention but isn’t them, suddenly becomes a threat.
5. THEY CONSTANTLY TRY TO CONTROL YOU.
Irrational jealousy often leads to a very controlling situation. This could be overt, through demands you choose between them and whatever they don’t like (see above for examples). It could also be more subtle, using passive-aggressive tactics to try to herd you in the direction they choose.
A common reaction to resisting this control is an explosion of negative emotions. This could look like rage, despair, terror, or even sarcastic happiness. The toxic partner might fly into a rage because they know how much it scares you, or they might act suicidal at the slightest provocation because they know you’re a caregiver. Whatever the emotional response, they’ll try to use the one they think, or know, will get you to act the way they want.
6. IT’S CONSTANT A.B.B.A.B. (“ALWAYS BE BERATING AND BELITTLING”)!
No matter what you do, it’s wrong. Even if it’s right, it’s still wrong somehow. You took too long. You didn’t do it their way. It was too much, too little, not enough, and unnecessary all at the same time! You never say the right thing. You never feel the right way. You’re never there for them. Etc. Etc. I could go on but, honestly, it’s depressing…
…and it’s absolute horse crap!
A toxic partner always wants more but is constantly moving the goalposts of what is “good enough” for them. Even if you accomplish what they want, above expectations, they’ll find some reason to complain about it. In some cases, you might be able to perform to their unreasonable expectations by literally ignoring the rest of your life to do what they want, but chances are you’re going to burn out very quickly and start losing other parts of your life (like friends, family, and your job).
7. YOUR NEEDS DON’T SEEM TO MATTER.
Remember how we said you’re always doing things wrong? Well, that also includes taking care of yourself. That’s wrong. Because your needs don’t matter. Duh.
Okay, just to make sure I say this loud and clear. *ahem*
YOU MATTER.
YOUR NEEDS ARE EQUALLY IMPORTANT.
ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE IS PROBLEMATIC.
This is a them problem, not a you problem. Don’t settle for that crap.
8. YOU FIND YOURSELF MAKING EXCUSES FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR.
When someone engages in toxic behavior, oftentimes you might find yourself making excuses or creating scenarios in your own mind where the behavior is justified or acceptable. This can be self-protective because making excuses is easier than considering your partner is toxic. If you don’t admit to the problem, sometimes you can convince yourself everything is fine.
It’s not, though.
In many cases, these excuses stay internal, but you might also find yourself making excuses out loud when someone else notices your partner’s toxic behavior. If you find yourself explaining away yelling, insults, casual disrespect, or being treated as inferior in front of others, this is a sign you’re dealing with a toxic partner. You don’t deserve that.
9. ANY CONCERN YOU HAVE IS A DEAL-BREAKER FOR THEM.
This is the last sign we’ll cover and that’s intentional. A toxic person will often rail against the idea that they’re doing anything wrong. If you try to have a discussion about how their behavior is impacting you, typically you’ll end up in a fight that results in things being, somehow, your fault. It wasn’t their actions, it was your reaction that’s to blame!
They may fall back on other aspects of their bad behavior, like blame, or even hold the relationship hostage: “well if you don’t like it, you can leave!” A sign of immaturity is refusing to admit when your behavior is harmful to those around you. By holding the relationship hostage, they’re giving an ultimatum that clearly spells out you can have a healthy relationship or a relationship with them, but not both!
Another time to be absolutely clear: this is not them trying to save the relationship. It’s them trying to dodge responsibility for their behavior by going nuclear.
3 Ways you can Start to Heal a Toxic Relationship
Not all toxic relationships are intentional. Not all toxic relationships are doomed to fail. Not all toxic relationships have to end in tears and shouted “goodbye and good riddance!” Toxic behavior is often a result of past trauma burning through into current relationships. Change is possible but there are some definite steps to success. Notably, both parties need to work together to get things straightened out and on a healthy track.
1. ACCEPTANCE OF RESPONSIBILITY
People do dumb, mean, petty, thoughtless, and otherwise crappy stuff to one another. Pretty often, too. It’s not always intentional, but sometimes it is. A lot of what makes a relationship toxic is this kind of behavior that goes unremarked, unchallenged, and unaddressed. The longer this continues, the harder it can be to course correct.
Accepting responsibility for your own bad behavior, and expecting other people to accept responsibility for theirs, is necessary to heal a toxic relationship. This is a combination of owning up to your mistakes and holding other people accountable for theirs.
We’re not talking about “blame and shame” because that’s toxic. We’re talking about being kind but firm in accepting and expecting responsible behavior.
2. PRACTICE HEALTHY COMMUNICATION
While taking responsibility is a critical part in resolving toxic relationships, you also need to be able to communicate with your partner in an effective way. You may have noticed that a fair bit of the toxic behaviors we talked about earlier have to do with how things are communicated and received. Sarcasm, passive-aggression, and dismissal are all hallmark unhealthy communication patterns.
Healthy communication comes from a place of trust, kindness, and legitimately caring about the other person’s needs. The specific skills you need to develop could fill a book by themselves (and in fact have), but here’s an overview:
- Actively listen to what your partner has to say. Avoid waiting for your turn to talk/attack.
- Speak clearly and with clarity. Avoid speaking in a quick and/or vague manner.
- Think before you speak Avoid blurting out insults or rejoinders.
- Use “I” statements like “I feel like _____ when you _____”. Avoid blame statements like, “you make me _____ when you _____”.
- Ask open-ended questions like, “what made you say that?”. Avoid closed-ended questions like, “did you just say that to be mean,” especially when they’re accusatory.
3. DON’T DWELL ON THE PAST
The longer the relationship, the more past you have with that person. This is pretty intuitive, but one of the dangers with a long-standing toxic relationship is having more “ammo” to fire off during a fight, disagreement, or even in daily life. Bringing up mistakes, hurts, or traumas from the past is rarely, if ever, useful in a conversation unless those things are presently related to what’s happening. For example, a disagreement about where to go for dinner shouldn’t lead to bringing up that one time, five years before, when your partner was really late for date night.
An instance where it’s acceptable to bring up past hurts is when you’re trying to actively move past them, forgive your partner, and set mutual expectations for better behavior. Even then, these past events need to be handled with great care so they don’t come off as accusatory or as an attack. This is one place where healthy communication really pulls its metaphorical weight.
Summing Up
Toxic relationships are a major source of negative emotions in a person’s life. They may stem from mutual poor behavior or primarily fall on the shoulders of one partner, but in most cases, both partners are responsible for continuing the relationship. Constantly placing blame, insulting one another, frequently bringing up past “wrongs” inappropriately, control/jealousy issues, and failing to see the other person’s needs are some of the trademark toxic relationship symptoms. There is hope, though, if both partners are willing to learn to accept responsibility for their part in the relationship, adhere to healthy communication rules, and work through the past so it stops poisoning both the present and the future.
Having trouble with a toxic relationship, problematic partner, or family turmoil?
Schedule an appointment today with one of the skilled, licensed, & professional therapists at Village Counseling.
Let us help you work through things and come out on the other side better than ever!