Relationships go through many stages and phases as the people in them change and grow over time. One area that many people see begin to shift is their sex life. The common consensus is that the longer a couple is together, the less sex they have—but this does not have to be true! If you are craving a greater frequency of intimate connection but your partner is not on the same page, individual therapy or couples therapy can help you dig into the issue.
Some couples are happy with the frequency of their sexual encounters, even if it is lower than average—and that’s great! But for those who are experiencing relationship strain due to a decrease in sex over time, therapy is a powerful way to help realign expectations.
Why Sexual Intimacy Decreases
There are many reasons why a relationship (regardless of marital status) may see a gradual decrease in sexual connection over time. Some of the most common are:
Routine
A large driver behind sexual engagement is excitement—and not just the physical kind. Intimate connection arises from people being put into situations where they are engaging in novel behaviors with their partner, enabling them to see their partner in a new light or gain an interesting insight into the way their partner looks, behaves, or thinks.
Early in a relationship, this type of activity is common, because partners are still learning about each other, going on dates, and experiencing new things frequently. Over time, however, the relationship settles into a routine, and these novel experiences decrease. This can lead to a feeling of boredom or sameness that leeches the sexual energy out of the relationship.
Hormonal Changes
Aging is a normal part of life, and with it comes changes in hormone levels. Women approach menopause, seeing a precipitous decrease in estrogen production, while men often experience gradually falling testosterone levels. Hormones are essential for creating the feeling of sexual desire. As they change, a person’s desire for sex often changes, too.
Stress
Many people find it hard to focus on anything else when they become stressed, and both physical and mental fatigue can leave them unwilling to do much of anything other than rest.
This extends to the sexual elements of a relationship; sex can seem like a bridge too far for someone who is facing severe stress in their everyday life, and they may crave low contact or sleep instead. Because adult life often comes with increasing stress demands (more substantial job responsibilities, children, aging parents, etc.), longer relationships are more likely to suffer from stressors.
How to Reignite the Spark
Couples who are ready to reignite their sexual spark have many options to consider. Some may work better than others depending on the reasons for the decrease in the first place. Try to:
Understand Your Drivers
Every person is unique, and what turns one person on can be a huge turn-off to someone else. In general, there are two main types of drivers behind sexual interest: reactive and spontaneous desires.
Reactive desire takes time to develop from multiple arousal triggers such as building desire over the course of a date night. Conversely, those with spontaneous desires respond to a cue (such as seeing their partner in an attractive outfit) that triggers sexual desire. By understanding how you and your partner work, you can start to speak the same love language again.
Schedule Intimacy
Yes, it sounds boring to schedule sexual contact, but it is useful to reestablish connection. There need not be a commitment to sex; simply agree to show up for each other for 20 to 30 minutes and commit to some activity that may engage arousal to see if interest emerges.
If not, that’s all right! You still spent time together in intimacy. Scheduled intimacy without expectations of performance can give those who are plagued by stress, a non-stressful event to unwind with and eventually look forward to.
Shift the Focus
Many couples find that sex becomes a chore because they start to dread the main event. Instead, shift the focus to the myriad ways to please each other that do not involve sexual penetration.
This helps partners to expand their intimate horizons without pressure—which by itself can increase desire. Remove the notion that a sexual encounter is a “success” or “failure” depending on which acts have been done (or not) or if climax has been achieved. This can particularly helpful with those experiencing hormonal changes.
Learn Together in Couples or Individual Therapy
If you and your partner are struggling to keep the spark alive, understand that this is normal and reversible! Individual therapy can be a great option to help you unearth your own drivers and inhibitions so you can return to your relationship with renewed understanding and confidence.
Alternatively, partners can benefit from couples or individual therapy to work together toward a common intimate goal. Contact Village Counseling to schedule a therapy appointment to get on the road to renewed sexual wellness!