Some people thrive in a monogamous union—but if that’s not for you, that’s okay! Non-monogamous relationships are more common than ever thanks to broader acceptance and awareness. But whether you’re poly, in an open relationship, or something else, you’ve probably noticed that non-monogamy comes with its own sets of hurdles.
LGBTQ+ therapy is one tool you can use to set up a successful non-monogamous relationship and keep it thriving despite the common challenges. Frequent issues that LGBTQ+ people face in these types of relationships include failed communication, jealousy, and insufficient boundary-setting, among others.
Whether you’re already facing hiccups in your relationships or you want to get ahead of the curve, therapy can offer practical tips and resources for fostering healthy and fulfilling connections.
Communication Is Always the First Step
The single largest issue facing non-monogamous LGBTQ+ relationships is a lack of communication. It’s a common scenario—one partner is caught dedicating more time or emotional connection to someone else than the other partner is comfortable with, and so they announce that they’re poly or into open relationships.
This approach does little to address the sense of hurt that the unaware partner is feeling. In a sense, they’ve been lied to. And this is just one potential way in which a lack of prior communication can cause hurt in otherwise happy relationships.
Setting the Bar
Poly and other non-monogamous relationships require extra effort in the communication department. Both partners in the initial pairing need to be on the same page about expectations: Is there a limit on the number of participants? Does one partner feel comfortable with a poly lifestyle but the other does not? These are just some of the baseline considerations.
An LGBTQ+ therapist can help you walk through the most important talking points before opening a relationship or changing its dynamics and participants to ensure everyone is on the same page.
Dealing with Jealousy
Another challenge in non-monogamy is the tendency toward jealousy. Even if partners communicated their approval of non-monogamy beforehand, they may realize later that they struggle with feelings of jealousy when their partner is dedicating time, emotional energy, and physical affection toward someone else.
Jealousy stems from fear. In many cases, working through jealousy in (ENM) ethical non-monogamy means assuaging those fears—either through therapy or by reflecting on the security of your attachment with your partner (and ideally, both).
Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries should come along with good communication both at the beginning and throughout the ENM process. Some common and completely valid boundaries that you and your partner(s) might set in your non-monogamous relationship include:
- I will only have sex with you if you have been practicing safe sex with your partners
- We will not incorporate our exes into the relationship
- We will not have multiple people sleeping over
- I will not spend more than $X per week on dates or gifts per partner
Every relationship is different, which means that the boundaries that define them should also be unique to those participants. Establishing boundaries early—and being willing to revisit them—is the foundation for a strong relationship where no one feels slighted or betrayed. LGBTQ+ therapy provides a safe space to outline these boundaries, discover what’s important to you, and hear your partner(s) as they explore their own limits, too.
Skimping on Maintenance
A frequent issue that arises in non-monogamous relationships sleeps insidiously under the surface, only arising after participants have been practicing ENM for some time: feelings of abandonment. When you are sharing your partner with other people (even people you really like), it is essential that you get to spend enough time with them to feel fulfilled.
It’s common for someone to fixate on their new partner to the exclusion of their other bonds. This is why many non-monogamous parties set rules such as X number of dates per week minimum. This way, they ensure they continue to fulfill their partner’s emotional and physical needs.
Consider using a calendar to schedule time with the people who matter to you so that no one is left out. Relationships take maintenance, whether you are seeing just one other person or many.
Strengthen Your Non-Monogamous Bonds Through Practice
Ethical non-monogamy is a skill that takes practice, and there is no shame in admitting that you could use some guidance. In fact, using LGBTQ+ therapy to learn useful skills like boundary-setting helps your relationship see more success!
At Village Counseling, our therapists are versed in non-monogamous relationships and can help you and your partners establish ground rules, overcome challenges, and create a framework where everyone feels supported and loved. Contact Village Counseling to explore our LGBTQ+ therapy for non-monogamous relationships.