Do you feel like your relationship continues to get hung up on small issues or faces the same fights over and over with no change? Do you struggle to express yourself to your partner or come to resolutions that both parties can agree on? Couples therapy provides partners with the tools to improve their relationship and navigate the difficulties that every couple faces.
Unfortunately, many couples assume that therapy is only for those who are facing large challenges or who are considering divorce. In reality, this couldn’t be further from the truth!
Who is Couples Therapy For?
Couples therapy is a great fit for anyone who wants to learn how to be a better communicator and express their thoughts and feelings in a safe and active way.
Whether you are facing a specific challenge with your partner or simply want to make sure your relationship has a strong foundation, couples therapy can be a valuable option. But before you schedule an appointment, don’t forget to get your partner on board!
How Do I Ask My Partner To Go To Couples Therapy?
Asking a partner to go to couples therapy can feel intimidating, but with a little preparation, you’ll have a greater chance of success. When you ask about couples therapy is just as important as how.
Avoid asking at a time when your partner is stressed or busy, such as after they get home from a busy day—and especially avoid bringing it up after an argument. Otherwise, they may feel that you are weaponizing that moment against them. Instead, ask if they have time to talk, and then abide by their timeline.
Tone is important!
When asking your partner to consider couples therapy, remember to think about your tone. Accusatory “you” statements (“You don’t care about what’s important to me, so I want to try therapy”) can make a person feel attacked or pressed for an answer.
Instead, focus on the self (“I want us to succeed, and I want to learn how to make that happen alongside you”) so that no one is being accused, especially when they are already in the midst of a stressful time (either of the day or in their lives).
Collaborate, Not Accuse
Approaching couples therapy as a collaborative effort can lead to a better response. Frame issues as a joint approach—the two of you against a problem, not one of you against the other. “What do we want our lives to look like, and how can each of us contribute to making that happen?”
Accusatory statements, such as, “We should go to therapy because you need to pull your weight”, tend to result in a combative or uncooperative response.
Approach the conversation with positivity: “I want to go couples counseling because I want to work on our marriage.” Working on the relationship is showing your partner you care!
Avoid Reactivity on a “No”
It is entirely possible that even with an ideal approach, a partner may say no to couples therapy. Alternatively, maybe you have already broached the topic in a way that you now realize was less than ideal, and your partner turned down the offer. Be sure to avoid responding negatively, such as by arguing, if your partner says no.
A person who does not feel that their answer is being respected is more likely to shut down and become stubborn in the face of repeat requests. Instead, inform your partner that you have heard their no, then follow up with clarification.
Is there anything in particular that is making them hesitant to participate? If they state a specific issue, you can attempt to address it and resolve their hang-ups. If not, leave the topic alone and allow them to contemplate it on their own for a few days.
Choose the Therapist Together
One of the steps that can make both partners feel more confident about therapy is working together to choose a therapist. By choosing a therapist together, neither partner has an advantage in choosing someone they believe will be on their “side.”
Look together at what areas the therapist focuses on; do they like to work with issues that are related to what you are experiencing together? Where are they located, and will that location work for both your schedules? Do their tone and demeanor make them seem approachable for both of you? If only one of you likes the therapist, the other may be reluctant to participate.
Additionally, it is important to remember that good therapists do not take sides. They work to help both parties better understand conflicts and communication. Both people in the couple will have the opportunity to speak freely and without being attacked.
Explore Couples Therapy Together
Being reluctant to try couples therapy is common; after all, it can feel like a relationship is failing if it needs outside help. But remember that people do not simply know how to do some important tasks, like their careers, just by intuition; instead, they go to school to learn the skills and knowledge they need to succeed. In the same way, you can go to therapy to get training for your relationship!
Trying couples therapy with your partner is not something to avoid; instead, it’s an investment in your relationship now and in the future. The experts at Village Counseling are always eager to help couples navigate difficulties in their relationship or set a strong foundation.
Contact Village Counseling to schedule a couples therapy appointment or ask any questions if you are still in the pitching phase with your partner.