No two relationships are exactly the same, and in recent years, one type of relationship—ethical non-monogamy (ENM)—has gained broader acceptance as more couples are embracing this alternative relationship structure.
While ethical non-monogamy can be successful, depending on the people involved, LGBTQ+ therapy is still a useful tool in the relationship toolkit to overcome some of the challenges that are unique to this relationship dynamic.
LGBTQ+ therapists understand the nuances of non-monogamous relationships within the LGBTQ+ community and incorporate inclusive therapy approaches to address the challenges present in these situations.
Most issues with communication, boundaries, and emotional dynamics that are unique to non-monogamous partnerships are areas where therapists can provide guidance.
Is an Open Relationship Right for Me?
To determine whether an open relationship is right for you, it’s important to understand the challenges these arrangements often face. In some cases, polyamory is used as a bridge for a partner having an affair to attempt to salvage their marriage, but this type of open relationship faces significant challenges to success.
However, this is just one way people are introduced to non-monogamy; open relationships can take many forms. Ethical non-monogamy emphasizes intentionality, openness, and clear communication. Which one is right for you, if at all, is determined by your own level of interest (not just whether your partner wants to open the relationship) and how you approach the challenges associated with non-monogamy.
The Most Common Challenges
Introducing ethical non-monogamy to multiple parties in a relationship structure brings unique challenges not found in other types of coupling (or at least not in the same ways). Most frequently, these include:
Jealousy
Suppose you and your partner have agreed to non-monogamy, but neither of you has found a partner they wish to see yet. Then, suddenly, your partner begins dating someone. Their absence can spark feelings of jealousy—are they spending too much time with their new partner? Does that partner offer things you cannot or do not?
How a therapist can help: In many cases, jealous feelings arise from a point of insecurity. A therapist can help you identify what is making you feel insecure and provide suggestions to help overcome that insecurity. They can also work collaboratively with your partner to set reasonable boundaries; more on that later.
Communication
ENM requires clear communication to ensure all parties share the same understanding of what is acceptable and what isn’t. Further, it is common for partners to believe they are all right with a certain agreed behavior or activity, only to find out later that it is actually hurtful.
Being able to communicate these feelings and work on adapting is essential for the long-term success of an open relationship.
How a therapist can help: A therapist’s office is an open space conducive to sharing unencumbered thoughts. A skilled therapist can help you and your partner clarify what you actually want to say and guide you in expressing it effectively.
Boundaries
Boundaries are non-negotiable in ENM. Each partner should collaborate to define boundaries in their relationship, and all partners should respect these rules. Some of the most common boundaries include:
- No sex while a non-participating partner is at home
- A maximum number of hours each week dedicated to dates
- Who should or should not be informed of the relationship dynamics (family, coworkers, etc.)
How a therapist can help: Sometimes, it is difficult to take a feeling of discomfort and turn it into an understandable boundary. Therapists can help you put your thoughts into words and develop boundaries that are both reasonable and clear.
The Division of Sexual and Romantic Attraction
Many people pursue ethical non-monogamy to meet different needs through different partners. It may happen that if the relationship originated with two long-term, formerly monogamous partners, one may stop seeking sexual or romantic contact in order to partake in it from a new partner. Thus, one partner becomes the “sexual” one, and the other the “romantic” one.
How a therapist can help: Dividing roles in ENM is a viable way of approaching relationships. For instance, one partner might be primarily responsible for fulfilling another’s sexual needs, but a different partner is in charge of the emotionally charged romance.
However, if that is not what you want, a therapist can help you discuss your discomfort with your partner and get everyone on the same page. They can also provide guidance on activities or strategies to reignite the lost sexual or romantic connection.
Strengthen Your ENM Bonds Through Couples Therapy
Ethical non-monogamy can be challenging, but with enthusiastic participants willing to put in the time and effort, it can also be very successful. The LGBTQ+ therapists at Village Counseling understand the unique challenges present in open and non-monogamous relationships, and we always welcome partnership groups to use therapy as a tool to strengthen their dynamic.
Contact Village Counseling to schedule a couples therapy session—even if there are multiple couples in the group!